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she killed herself last thursday
(twenty-one days after christmas)
i called her nineteen times
(once for each zoloft she swallowed)
i left seventeen voicemails
(the other two times couldnt breathe enough to speak)
sent fifteen texts
(my hands were shaking)
i spelled “please” wrong thirteen times
(and “sorry” wrong eight)
i missed six days of school after
(i can still hear the sympathy in their smiles)
i listened to her last voicemail over and over
(four hours of self hatred)
memorizing the inflection of the last three words
(love you, bye. LOVE you, BYE)
but i didnt want you to hang up
kept screaming at the damn recording
like i could make it say something more
(took me two days to gain back sanity)
but it never did so
(fuck fuck fuck)
there was no end
terrified ellie prorok (via per-solus)
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